


Plantains and PSAs

by Dracoduceus



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angela "Mercy" Ziegler is sick of your shit, Angela teaches sex ed, Crack Treated Seriously, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, inappropriate use of produce, questionable items found in the kitchen drawer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-05
Updated: 2019-10-05
Packaged: 2020-11-07 21:47:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20824307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dracoduceus/pseuds/Dracoduceus
Summary: The day that Genji's brother came to the base, they were watching some of the old PSA's that Jack Morrison was in back when Overwatch was active.One thing led to another and the next thing McCree knows is that Ange is reliving her days teaching sex ed to a bunch of horny teenagers (although this time it's horny Overwatch agents) and he's being propositioned by Hanzo.He can't find it in him to be too upset, though.





	Plantains and PSAs

**Author's Note:**

> The PSAs are based on [Captain America's PSAs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hoxh_6TgUVY) because Overwatch _definitely_ did that as well.

The man on the screen saluted them. “Greetings, future citizens of the world!” there was a long and awkward pause as he clearly seemed to wait for a response. “I am Strike Commander Morrison, from Overwatch, and we are looking for budding young talent just like you.” Here he jabbed a finger toward the camera, as if pointing at a large audience.

“Oh my  _ God _ ,” Lena said as she cackled. “I never knew these were so terrible.”

“Yeah?” Soldier: 76 asked dryly. “Try  _ doing _ them. It was  _ mortifying _ .”

“Not as mortifying as being cordially ‘invited’ to teach Sex Ed class,” Dr. Zielger grumbled into her coffee mug. “There’s nothing like demonstrating to a bunch of pubescent teenagers how to put a condom on.”

The room burst into noise, some laughing while others cried out in sympathy, dismay, or disbelief.

“I think we need to see that,” Soldier: 76 said, reaching for the remote.

Ana slapped his hand away. “Nope. We finish this first— _ then _ we get to watch our most respected doctor demonstrate safe sex.”

“Given the rampant fucking that had gone on in the old days,” the blonde doctor said, voice as dry as the Sahara, “I’m surprised that it wasn’t included in orientation.”

Several of the old guard opened their mouths as if to refute that before pausing and ultimately deciding not to answer. “Don’t think I ever did a proper ‘orientation’,” McCree said. “Just got plopped down in Blackwatch and stopped existing.”

On the screen, a young Jack Morrison in his distinctive blue coat said, “And now my good friend, your gym teacher, will be conducting the Overwatch Challenge.”

“I remember this part!” Brigitte said suddenly. “The gym teacher had a script to follow too, but they always forgot and stood on the wrong side or were texting or something.”

“Yours did too?” Hana asked, popping her gum. “It must be a universal thing.” They shared a smile and giggled.

Brigitte flexed her muscles and Hana swooned—it was only partially in jest. “I always won the challenge.”

Her father grunted and Reinhardt’s booming laugh made the chairs shake. “I’d hope so,” Torbjörn grumbled. “Ye were runnin’ drills with the new recruits often enough. Yer mother wanted to strangle me, more than once. Like it was  _ my _ fault.”

“It was,” Ana said dryly. “Oh no, you’re not,” she said sternly when Dr. Ziegler stood as if to leave. “You have a lecture to give, don’t you?”

Angela scowled and ran her hand through her messy hair. She looked as if she hadn’t slept in a week. “Fine.” She dug open one of the drawers in the kitchen and pulled out a string of foil packets; then she dug around in the produce basket.

“Is nobody going to ask why there were a string of condoms in the kitchen drawer?” Soldier: 76 asked into the awkward silence.

“Do you  _ really _ want to know why there’s a string of condoms in the kitchen drawer?” Ana asked sweetly. Everyone murmured a quiet agreement that no, they did not want to know. More than a few refused to look anywhere near each other.

Angela hopped up on the table and used her teeth to rip one of the foil packets of condoms off of the string. “Prethend this weirdly large banana ish your penisth,” she said, her words slurred by the foil wrapper still in her mouth.

“That’s not a banana,” McCree said immediately.

The look she gave him—ruined only slightly by the shiny foil wrapper clenched between her teeth—could have peeled paint. “What?”

“That’s not a banana,” McCree said glibly, as if unaware—or simply uncaring—of the danger promised by the doctor’s eyes. “It’s a plantain. Bananas have more of a curve.”

There was silence for a moment.

“Is  _ that _ why…?” Winston trailed off. Hana giggled.

“Did you have a hard time, big guy?” Lena asked sympathetically.

Angela sighed and used the moment to rip open the condom packet with her teeth and free hand. She made a face as she gripped the condom between two fingers and set aside the empty wrapper. “Fine. Pretend the  _ plantain _ is your penis.”

“Not big enough,” Ana said and sipped her tea. Reinhardt choked. Lúcio pretended to gag and laughed when she smacked him upside the head.

Angela sighed deeply. “Given the rate of sexually transmitted illnesses that had run rampant in the previous iteration of Overwatch, I would have expected you to pay more attention.”

“It wasn’t  _ that _ bad!” Lena protested.

“As if we wouldn’t be better—that was  _ then _ .” Brigitte said earnestly. “I doubt it will be a problem.”

Angela’s eyes were steely as she somehow managed to scowl at everyone at the same time. “It better not be.”

Everyone suddenly found the ceiling or their shoes to be very interesting.

“Use condoms—always. Practice safe sex.” Angela pinched the plantain between her thighs, high enough that it looked more like an enormous green penis between her legs rather than a piece of produce. “Pinch the top of the condom to give it space for your ejaculate. Carefully roll down the condom to the base of the penis and make sure it is secure.”

She demonstrated, rolling the condom all the way to the base where it was clenched between her thighs. Then she straightened, keeping it between her thighs as she stared challengingly at everyone. “Any questions?”

McCree raised his hand. “You got a bit of a weird bend to your dick, doc,” he said. Glaring at him again, Angela twisted it in place so that it curved upward rather than down. “Thanks.”

Then McCree stood and stretched. “And now, wait ‘till you see what  _ I _ can do.” He grabbed a condom and ended up pulling the whole string after him as he walked to the produce basket. With a pleased sound, his hand came back with another plantain, this one notably larger than Angela’s.

He placed it down on the table next to Angela and used both hands to peel open the wrapper. “I like ‘em bigger, doc,” he said, winking at her while she scowled at him. “But watch, here’s a more fun way to put on a condom.”

With that he tossed the condom in his mouth like one would a candy. Winking at the horrified crowd, he picked up the plantain and slid it into his mouth.

Deeper.

And deeper, all the way to the very end, pinched between his fingers. It made his throat bulge obscenely and he sighed as he pulled it out, the plantain encased in the condom. With back of his free hand he wiped the back of his mouth and grinned rakishly at the crowd who continued to look horrified.

All except one person, who he winked at. “Any questions?”

The man raised his hand and McCree gave him a good, long look. Shorter than he was but wider, all muscles in chest and shoulders and arms. Dark hair in an undercut, pulled into a neat topknot. Bridge piercing. 

“What are you doing later?” he asked. From his accent this must be Genji’s brother. “Because there is no way I’m  _ not _ fucking you.” Surprised, McCree choked—as did Genji, though for an entirely different reason. Genji’s brother smirked. “That won’t be the first time tonight that you choke.”

Unable to back down from a challenge, McCree wiggled the plantain, which  _ was _ quite large in girth and length. “I don’t know…” he trailed off suggestively, looking at the plantain. “Did’ja see the size of this?”

“Is that a challenge?” the man asked with a sly smile and McCree grinned.

He tossed the plantain on the side as the room cleared out. Angela flung the string of condoms at them both. “Bring it, darlin’.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and visit me on Twitter at [Dracoduceus](https://twitter.com/dracoduceus).
> 
> ~DC


End file.
